As children growing up we focus on all the things that children should focus on, making friends, having fun, really living in the moment the most important thing to children is the here and now.
As a parent our children can and do become our purpose.
It is our children that make us get up in the morning, it is our children who make our minds focus on making sure they have the best life we can give them. Mum and Dad working all the hours they are given in providing for our children.
How often did we fall into the trap of wishing our children onto the, next stage, be that sleeping through the night, walking, talking becoming more independent, when before you can turn around those precious days are gone.
They are adults and making decisions for themselves, we suddenly feel we are not needed anymore.
That transition from child to adult is hard for both sides.
As parents all we can do is to keep telling them we love them and that we will always be here when or if they need us.
As the young adult it can be quite a scary time, the security can feel as though it is slipping away.
Of course we haven’t gone anywhere, we are still there, just a bit more in the shadows.
My children were my purpose in life, as is my husband.
If we have no purpose our lives can become very empty.
All the parents reading this who are estranged from their adult children, I think will understand.
It is not that we expect anything from our children, we just thought that things would be different than they are.
We all hoped we would have this loving relationship with our adult children, to be able to share the wonderment of them making their way in the world, which might include to be able to watch the new generation coming into the world and to be able to support within the family.
When it goes wrong, it is devastating.
Parents are left with the purpose of their lives, ripped away, part of them dies.
The emptiness is beyond words, that future that was dreamt of turns into a hideous nightmare, of which there is no waking from.
It is the unanswered questions that eat away at estranged parents, What did we do wrong? Was it something I did? Am I being blamed for something? All too often the adult children don’t give the answers, they wont even communicate.
There may be many reasons why this happens, previous mental health issues, remarrying, blame of something that may have happened years and years ago, to name just a few, but if the adult children can’t be grown up enough to have that conversation how can we begin to try and heal these rifts?
Personally, I could have lived my life blaming my father for everything, as he was not the man I thought he was, but all that would have done would have made me into a miserable angry adult.
My father will never define me, I am me, a person in my own right, how I live my live is all down to me.
Blaming is not the way.
We have the power within us to regain a purpose in our lives.
How we do that will be an individual thing, helping others, supporting others, breaking out of our comfort zone is empowering.
It will never erase the hurt and pain of being estranged, and in a way it shouldn’t because it is part of you, but it mustn’t define you.