Most of you will know that I always talk about moving forward and that the past is just that, the past, but sometimes even I fall into the trap.

The trap of going over stuff, going through stuff.

I was going through our memory box and came across the teddy my grandchild gave me, many years ago now, and on it, it says, “Best Granny.”

I remember when I did an interview with Radio 4 a long time ago, I was holding the same bear in my hand all through the interview, and Yasmin Alibhai-Brown remarked on it, I said, well I clearly wasn’t the best granny was I.

I still felt that when I saw it again.

I let my grandchild down, just when she needed me most, something I will never forgive myself for. At a time in her life where her world was falling apart, I was unable to be her stability. It is true that it was out of my control, she had a sustained drip feed of acid being poured poisoning her mind against me and all our family, but I should have tried harder.

Now nine years later, I will never be given the opportunity to say how sorry I am that I wasn’t able to be there for her, just to have been gran, nothing more nothing less. She has moved on with her life, as she should, I am not even a distant memory.

So I need to work harder at listening to my own advice, and not rake up the past.

Jane